Wanderlust Workups

When my brother was in the Marines, the boys would go out to a desert area close to home in San Diego for a couple weeks at a time to work themselves up before heading overseas. Pretty sure I’ve been following suit with plans of worldwide gypsy wandering that first began 16 years ago.
I knew when the seizures came shortly before my leave date that this dream life that had finally managed to get somewhat on track was about to be thrown back into chaos. Concerned but with little else to do once my old life had been broken down in preparation, I got on that first (though fourth-bought) Eastbound flight that was about to take me to the other side of the world. Adding to the medical challenges once I got there, the people I tried to help by breaking down payments in order to buy my reduced-price Mercedes didn’t hold up their end of the payments. With so much of the planned funds already gone from medical-related complications, those last few hundred dollars made all the difference. I already had a ticket bought for Chiang Mai, a marketing job set up in Pai at an amazing art & spiritual hostel and was set up for a program teaching English that started in Chiang Mai come September (if I didn’t find more of the US-based remote work I was looking for), but needed that money for the last few details.
Being a dreamer comes with over-promising and under-delivering until getting to a place that feels right. While it does often lead to magical things, they are often not the original mark and are delivered after fighting down a path of repeated heartbreak. When temporarily stuck in the despair of this particular situation, I reached out to my mom for support because who doesn’t need their mother when feeling battered and bruised. Problem was that I forgot who she is and how much she worries. Instead of getting the needed pep-talk about being strong and smart enough to figure it out, she pressured me in a weak moment of food poisoning and panic-induced frozeness to visit her and the rest of my family in the Bay Area while I got it figured out.
I am not only the bubbly, charismatic and uber-positive person that most see. I am also filled with debilitating anxiety and the tortured-writer type who is constantly struggling with some strong demons. The goofy, always smiling and comical personality most first notice is a trait I picked up from my father. That and I really do love entertaining and making others happy. It makes me happy as well, but not happy enough to stay emotionally above water when I start getting to life-level: Game of Thrones.
Breaking down an old life and starting a new one is no easy feat. There’s a ton to learn and figure out. Having to unexpectedly head back to the states to sort out some of the details makes sense, but it also left me heartbroken and in tears. I’ve received more than my share of comments about how it “must be nice” or about how others wish they were able to just pick up like me and move abroad. I can’t help but do little more than blink in response. Do these people really think it’s that easy for most of us? For those who don’t already have remote income or a trust fund, there’s a lot of blood, sweat and tears to make it happen. And for the record, I’ve seen people do it with children and pets as well as doing it myself with a new medical condition, which furthers the argument that the challenges most present are really just symptoms of their own fear. My worst fear at that moment was to head back to America, but I was weak, didn’t fully trust myself and let my own fears creep back in with my mother’s words. And so I did what I was most scared of. I headed back.
I tried to see this back-step as a part of the cha cha that helps us dance in style to the life we want to be living, but in that moment, I only felt resentment and broken. Logically, I can understand a slower transition to be more realistic than what I had originally hoped, but that didn’t stop me from being absolutely devastated in the moment. Theory and big picture are perceived a whole lot different from being down in the trenches, and my heart was determined to feel what it needed to, logic be damned.
I have a return flight, a newly-formed family and left my belongings to give myself peace of mind, but it still felt like the roots of my heart were being violently ripped up against my will. However, I will soon be back to continue going out on the wild Bangla Road, staying up all night talking with awe-inspiring people, turning into a mermaid-unicorn during hours and hours in the pool, drinking and being merry, going to the Full Moon party, to night markets and more. There was rarely a time I was doing any of it without my newly-made family at the Shanti Lodge, and though I will only be back to see them in the Phuket location for a week before venturing out to other areas of Thailand, they will always be the foundation of my first country abroad. I am well on my way.