THERE’S A TWINKLE IN MY EYE

Photo by Louisa Stokes can be found at freedigitalphotos.net

I’ve got a secret.
Do you know what it is?
Confidence.
It doesn’t come from beauty, money or power. My confidence comes from knowing who I am and the effect I have on others.
I’ve always known who I am, but I didn’t always accept it. When I was younger, I tried to be who those around told me I “should” be. I don’t do that anymore. The more I tried to change it, the more I realized how impossible it is to change the person we’re born as, and all I was doing was making myself insecure about who I really was.
I’m eccentric, energetic and full of life. So fine – I’m going to have to go ahead and be eccentric, energetic and full of life. Let’s say I was offered a great job and career at a conservative technology company. Unless the staff embraced my differences as a refreshing change of pace, I’d be set up to be unhappy and, more than likely, to fail. Let’s say the staff did accept me. I’d be happy for what I could do for them, but unsatisfied in my career and the lack of what my coworkers had to offer in regards to my needs. Even more, I’d be turning my back on the career out there that would be a great fit, requires my qualities and would make both sides not only successful but happy.
Same thing for dating. Most of the people I’ve dated have been wonderful. The equivalent of the knight in shining armor we’re taught to be the holy grail in a partner. I’ve learned from experience that the right fit for me probably isn’t the well educated, well cultured, attractive, successful, stable person of fantastic social standing that not only treats me like a princess but believes I hung the moon. I’ve been lucky enough (although I don’t pretend to have deserved it) to find that a few times and I couldn’t get myself to fall in love, no matter how hard I tried. Maybe the person that’s right for me will be ridden with traits I didn’t think I’d go for in a hundred years, but it won’t matter. They’ll be who’s right.
I’ve had to prove a lot of things to myself. I had to sacrifice ten years to a career of money, power and social status to prove that the thanklessness, risk and unlikelihood of financial success in the career I really want is what makes me happiest. I also had to date the people I wanted to be the right fit in order to accept and appreciate the difficulties of what is to come when I find that person that really is. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I never would have been able to accept it if I hadn’t taken a peek. Part of really knowing myself is being honest about the things I don’t like, and I’m too superficial to have just gone on faith.
When I’m walking down the street, I don’t like my weight (thanks, Hollywood), but I’m proud that I’m strong, powerful and have fantastic curves. When someone makes a negative comments about my feather earrings and rainbow colored zebra-print five inch heels, I try to think about all of the people who get a kick out of it and how I improved their day. When there’s a threat to my path of travel, writing, volunteering and the arts, I pounce like a tiger to protect it. If others don’t understand me, I try to slow down and see things from their eyes so I can help them understand.
So, yeah. I’m confident. I’m confident in who I am because I’m proud of myself and see how much I have to offer. The more I stay true to who I am and what I need, the more I’m around what feeds me and those that admire me for exactly who I am. There’s a lot I want to change in a positive way, but overall I’m really happy with who I am, and even more, who I’m becoming. Times get tough and there’s always moments of temporary unhappiness when fighting that battle, but I know if I keep pushing up that hill, I’ll continue to reach heights of happiness I’ve never been to before. That happiness, plus the confidence, is why I can usually be found with a twinkle in my eye.

What puts that spark in your? Where do you get your confidence?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I’ve always known who I am. I write, I love the arts, I love people and I love travel. I’m passionate and need to fight for what I believe in. I never had a problem knowing who I am. My battle has been fighting the outside forces that would tell me I am wrong.
There’s only so long we can run from ourselves before surrendering and that’s where I am now. I’ve given into who I am and what I love. That is what you see here.

Bobbie White