Refusing to Leave My Dreams Unlived

“I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead” – Jimmy Buffett

Some people fall into amazing situations by chance that others are fighting like hell for. Then again, too many go with the life that is given to them. I am fighting like hell now, but there was a time when I tried to go with what was given me.
Like many Americans, my career is how I’ve defined myself as an adult. I let the world tell me I should want money, power, social status and an elite lifestyle. Being young and impressionable, I let those influences push me into the mortgage industry. I enjoyed the work and possibility to help borrowers financially, but the greed and corruption really didn’t look good through my rose-colored glasses. So I tried and failed to get out. Three times. It took a decade and the industry crashing to really do it.
After seeing such ugliness, I was desperate to renew my beliefs in love and the philanthropic spirit of helping others. That being true, I was also still petty and insecure, so I still wanted a career that provided glamour along with all those other things I had been told to want. Taking the sacrifices I was strong enough to make, I fought like hell to get into matchmaking in San Francisco when the opportunity arose. During that time, I also went back to school since I hadn’t been able to complete my degree at the “normal” age due to such a previously-intense career, taking care of others (especially Marines) and partying way too much. A time of celebration for both my first time finding happiness and social acceptance.
My degree was another thing I did out of insecurity, to keep up with the Jonses and because I was finding fewer and fewer jobs that would consider applicants without a B.A. An expensive cost to join the club, and with no new knowledge from what I can tell. But that’s the way the world’s being run, and sometimes it just comes down to choosing our battles. I didn’t learn anything I hadn’t already through experience or been self-taught, but I did attain $50k in student debt. Like people, countries also have their positives and negatives, and this was definitely one that added to my lifelong lust to live around the world.
I have traveled, but never lived in other places like I have dreamed. I have also always been a writer, but needed to prove to myself, other writers and the rest of the world that I could go professional. After I did finally fight my way into becoming a writer at a magazine, finishing that degree and sadly, losing my dog, I finally planned to move to the other side of the world.
During prep time, I managed to become more alive in other ways that I had seen but never got to experience. Festivals such as Reggae on the River and Burning Man brought me to life even before I finally left for Thailand.
It was the first time I managed to make a life and identity for myself that was more about my passion and dreams than what others tried to tell me was right.
It’s hard getting started. Really hard. Unexpectedly back in the states for the summer, depression and feelings of hopelessness were, at first, more prevalent than the understanding that it was just a step needed to figure out money and career for such a big worldwide adventure. Making our dreams come true brings hardships and steps required in payment. There’s just no getting around it.
More than ever, the chaos of it all makes me crave the settled stability that is my next goal after this journey. For the first time in my life, I’m excited, hopeful and in awe of the platform I have built to do that on. I have accomplished all of my goals and have lived all of my dreams. Now is the grand finale of fighting to grow up and into the woman I have always wanted to be.
A new phase of life with new goals and a new me is on the horizon, but for now, it’s time to exhale. I am here.