Two times I’ve bought a one-way ticket to Thailand from California and two times I haven’t taken those flights. The first was eight months ago right after my dog – the center of my universe – was killed. The second was a couple weeks ago when I finished up tying up all but one of the loose ends of my life. I had canceled the first when realizing I had a lot more to do before leaving to live around the world for a few years. This didn’t surprise me much, as everything in general seems to be twice as hard and require twice as much work as originally expected. The second did surprise me, however, as the flight was randomly canceled due to the airline failing to confirm after I had already been experiencing a surreal streak of bad luck with my plans and in life.
Some pals thought this was the universe trying to tell me to stay. Like a hardened cast trying to stick to the body as it’s peeled away, I felt it more likely to be a comfortable and hardened energy that was resisting change, good or bad. Well, I’ve grown beyond needing the crutches of my past, and it’s time to break free before the things I love turn into a gilded cage.
Back when I first lost my fur-baby and started talking again about finally moving abroad, it didn’t appear that most of the people in my life believed it, though the shocking realization of those who did really threw me on track. The lack of support from those who didn’t stung, but it’s not too difficult to understand that such a big change can be hard to grasp. Especially when so many talk about grandiose ideas without ever acting on them. I had been talking about this move for 15 years after all, though I’ve had a tendency to finish what I start, regardless of how long it took.
It’s funny the way these windows only open in our lives every few years. This is the first time I’ve really felt the freedom to go for it since first trying 15 years ago when my aim was Spain. Well, I made it there on holiday, but my move didn’t get farther than from the Bay Area to San Diego once I had discovered how much happiness there was for me in that sunny paradise. If there’s one thing growing up with severe depression made me certain of, it’s that we don’t really know what we’re doing and if we find happiness, we should hold onto it with all we’ve got.
Finally at the point of really leaving, I’m more excited than scared, but also burnt. It’s taken almost all of my energy to get rid of all of my belongings and say goodbye to the loved ones that include a sick father and the kids who will likely be teenagers before I live in the US next.
Everything I have set for the future now revolves around this adventure and even the nay-sayers, though we’re all sad to say see-ya-later, are excited for it.
When feeling the inevitable worry and pain of such a move, a good friend from Scotland once pointed out that the internet has made the world a much smaller place in that it has given us a way to get and stay connected. Since then, I’ve been able to take a deep breath. Thank goodness for the new friends I’ve made and life I’ve created, for I already feel like a memory to the existence of the person I used to be. My life took off before me and has already started abroad.
Thailand, here I come.