Failing and rising to fail again

This time was harder. I’d been through rough times in the past, but this was different. When I’d lie on the beach, join friends at champagne brunch or do any of the other things I knew “should” make me happy, they didn’t. I couldn’t sleep anymore and could barely function. I didn’t even have the strength to work on the things I love. Before this rough patch, I had managed to soar closer the sun than ever before. As life goes, I had to take ten steps back in order to advance to the next level. While I knew in my head that I was still on the right path, I couldn’t feel it in my heart.
As the sun woke me by rising outside the windows of my balcony, I would lay there and stare at the beautiful rolling hills in front of me. I could logically register that I was experiencing paradise, but couldn’t feel it. Passion and emotion are who I am, and I couldn’t feel it. I was completely and utterly burnt out. Depleted. Kaput.
When is enough enough? And when is it time to realize that one is not giving up but realizing that while most pieces of the puzzle fit, it may be time to change direction in others? I pride myself on being strong and not being a quitter. Even when the walls come crumbling down around me, I convince myself that I can hold up the roof all on my own. Mom said something that made sense to me. She said that in those kind of situations, she has to remind herself that she’s not God. I wish she would have given me that advice a few months ago.
Full time work, school, social life, volunteering, travel, working on an e-magazine and editing a book seem impossible, but I thought I could do it. For a while I did. Problem is, with no breathing room, there’s no room for the unknowns that come up. And they always come up.
What do you do when everything in your life is important? The only thing I didn’t care about is the draining and unhealthy job I was working. Problem is, that’s the one thing needed to survive. Ironic when the only thing that doesn’t mean as much is the downfall of everything that does.
Life is fluid. Things change. I’ve always chased the dollar with the idea that I needed that money to fund everything else. That and I like flashy things. I’ve come to realize that in the big picture, these jobs have just taken me away from what I love most. It’s important to back up and look at life as a whole from time to time. And to reassess what’s important and where those things lie in relation to each other. Our lives change, we change and so does what we want.
It’s not easy for any of us, and it’s natural to veer off course from time to time. What’s important is to try to understand and realize that it’s not time or energy lost, it’s just a natural part of growing. And that it’s important to not stray too far or too long. Words can never encapsulate the feeling when really going for something, but as the Dalai Lama said, “great achievements involve great risks”. We’ve all heard it, but to actually feel it is another story. It’s hard, painful and changes our lives. It’s only in those moments that we really know how important our goals are to us and if the journey has showed us that we are meant to go after something else.