I woke up today at 5:15 AM in a panic about the choice to go after my dreams. OK, that’s a lie. Not the part about waking up in a panic; just the part about it being a choice. The truth is, I fought it tooth and nail.
I tried to fit in growing up, but that didn’t happen. Then I tried to be happy in almost ten years of working the mortgage scene, but that didn’t happen either. The more I tried to fit into everyone else’s idea of what “should” be, the more happiness pooped out on me.
So here I am, doing naked cartwheels in the hopes that you’ll come do them with me!
Of course, it’s not a requirement to go as balls-to-the-wall as I did. The fear of giving up the home I loved, relationships, security and pain of being judged in order to get here wasn’t something I’d recommend. It’s always been all or nothing with me. You, being much smarter than me, may chose to go in a direction that holds a little more finesse.
Photo by Robin Gilmartin
Don’t you hate the constant BS about how it’s “all worth it in the end” as much as I do? Sure it is, but the junk we have to wade through in order to get there is a nightmare. Why is credit rarely given to that?
When I say this rodeo was terrible at first, I mean it. And I probably never would have done it if my old miserable career hadn’t crashed and booted me out by my bootstraps.
My pals and sweeter-than-sugar parents were great at support as I put up my dukes to the breakdown of my old life, but I sure wasn’t great support to myself. I’m aware that a new foundation can’t be built without tearing down the old, but it was still painful, raw and scary as hell. I was losing it in more ways than one.
As if what I was going through wasn’t bad enough, many of the people I expected and needed support from ran for the hills or kicked me while I was down. I was a walking, breathing country song.
What amazed me was who did come through. The two angels in my life who just so happened to be sisters and my best friends were never a question. Neither was my ridiculously loving and supportive parents. Who did surprise me were the unexpected acquaintances that helped and gave me strength to keep on truckin. If asked how anyone gets through times like these without that kind of support, I’d just have to shrug and keep on dancing.
The wind was in my face for a long time and every struggling step forward changed me. Everything and almost everyone was a threat. It wasn’t until I had sacrificed too much to turn back that the ever-elusive rainbow started to peek through the clouds. Once I knew all that sacrifice would all be for nothing if I gave up and my old life was already in ashes, things became strangely easier. I realized I would never be able to live with all the pain, loss and suffering I had gone through if I even tried to turn back. Uncertainty had become a moot point.
The winds changed. For the first time, the momentum was pushing me forward instead of blowing in my face. For no reason at all, more people started supporting and believing in what I was doing. Instead of being an irresponsible fool, I was now someone to admire and believe in. Actually – finishing the book I wrote and will be selling on here once edits are done could have helped (total plug right there).
Then I met a wonderful woman on a similar path. The support, belief and accountability to each other kept our fire alive. Finally, after years of going down the comfortable but miserable road more traveled, we pulled each other forward on bloodied knees to make it where we needed to be. Yeah, things are still pretty tough, and that kind of support only comes for brief moments, but it helped me get to where life is the most sweet. Not at the finish line where all is done and well, but to the midst of building the life, career and dreams I always wanted. Not just living that life. Being it.
And yeah. It’s totally all worth it in the end.
Do you have an inspirational story that show how rough it was, how you got to where you are and why it was worth it?
I’ve always known who I am. I write, I love the arts, I love people and I love travel. I’m passionate and need to fight for what I believe in. I never had a problem knowing who I am. My battle has been fighting the outside forces that would tell me I am wrong.
There’s only so long we can run from ourselves before surrendering and that’s where I am now. I’ve given into who I am and what I love. That is what you see here.