In the moments of finally achieving my goals, I want to be proud of who I was in the battles fought to get there. I want to feel like I earn them. Like I deserve them. I remember thinking when getting to those happy places in the past that I’d do better in the lows the next time. Baby steps. Here I am again and, while euphoric about improvement, am still not as satisfied as I hoped to be. Even through such amazing happiness and pride of this lifestyle change, I find myself fighting the emotions of anger, being bitter, resentfulness and just plain being worn out. Yes, less than before, but still enough to bother me. Logically I know that all I have and am going through is what it takes to change, transition and continue turning dreams into reality. Logically. As we’ve all experienced, my heart and head are at war and, while emotions are taking less control then they did in the past, they still seem to be robbing me of the honor and beauty of this part of the experience. I’m getting better, and thank God for that, but I still struggle with having to acknowledge and admire improvement instead of being disappointed for not reaching the finish line before going through the pains of running the entire marathon. Damn that being human thing.
I often wonder how much more I’d enjoy the process and how much less I’d be getting beat up if I was one of the lucky ones born into a community of similar personalities and life experiences. People I can celebrate and mourn with, who understand and those who already have paved enough of a trail to give me direction. I’ve experienced more of those who qualify as mainstream and think different is wrong. Many who let their not understanding turn into negative judgment and talk about me behind my back. Human nature is human nature. I’ve gained a lot of understanding about how this all works and can usually brush off those I don’t know. More hurtful are those who at first use me for social status or support and then ghost without putting in even the slightest effort to talk to me about what ever is bothering them, let alone try to be supportive of our differences and my needs as well. The ones who I think will always manage to devastate me most are those who were at one time my biggest cheerleaders and best friends. As adults, most of us know what it feels like to look back on people who we once couldn’t imagine being anything less than our everything. The pain of losing their love, close connection and support will always be there but in the balance of good and bad, I’m happy I will never stop loving them. I never do once someone has gotten there in my heart.
Experiences such as the examples given will always be hard, of course, but I have a premonition that most who hurt me along the way will be more lumped into a general “those” category. Not surprising, it’s the rare few who are proud and try to support my adventures in the hard times, especially when it’s a stretch to relate, whose faces I will remember. Starting my travels and becoming a Burner (as in Burning Man) has shown me that the strong support system of those who speak a more similar language and lifestyle will slowly come. It’s unfortunate that it makes me feel a bit like I’m selling out to become a part of communities more similar to who I am instead of continuing to stand strong and representing to communities of those who are different. In an effort to be better to myself, however, I practice reminders that it’s time and that I can be proud of that being my history. Also that my current direction is absolutely me and not outside influence.
In the same way volunteering saves my soul and helps me process, I try to visualize myself talking to those who still have the spark in their eye and believe they can be and do anything they want. To be a part of their strength to combat all those who will try to kill that spirit in them. I still remember the whale trainer at Sea World who killed my dream as a little kid by telling me that it’s really hard to become a trainer and not as great as it seems.
I want to be everything I needed and never found. To show others the truth of how it can really happen. Be an example of how to handle the pain and hardship of it and how to see the beauty. Too often in every day life we hear generic comments about it being hell to get to success and there being a lot of failing before finding success but rarely the details that humanize it. I want to point out how it took me 17 years to finally change my life into that of a writer traveling and volunteering my way around the world. How the trigger to finally make it happen being when I lost the dog who was the center of my life. To tell specifics of how many times I tried and failed. The times I was distracted or tried to give up. How I didn’t understand why it was all necessary parts of getting to my goal, when I finally saw how it fit in and why. I want to talk about the crushing feelings of being humiliated, judged and turning down amazing jobs when unable to buy groceries. I want to talk about how much it sucked, the insecurities, doubt, support I couldn’t have made it happen without and the pain. Also the brief moments that showed me how awesome those moments were. At first not often but as time went on, more and more. For instance, my first goal of leaving my beloved home of San Diego for a time in order to stay with my family in the Bay Area was to work in San Francisco and earn more money. Without expecting it, my first reason has become about helping with my sick father and nice as well as our family getting closer than we ever have been. As far as travel, I didn’t expect to go back to Europe for years and am now going in a few months to visit friends I made in Thailand and at Burning Man. Ironically, probably even to stay in Barcelona for a few weeks. The place that my first goal was to move to six months after San Diego in 2000.
At the beginning of finally making this lifestyle change, I wasn’t ready to accept giving up a traditional job (mostly because of my ego) or the idea of traveling free with little to no booked flights or tickets. Through the steps of experience and feedback of those with actual related know-how, I am driving for rideshare to save in order to write and volunteer my way around SE Asia and Europe for a few months. I have found my way to actively trying to stop myself from picking up too much freelance work in order to keep on track and have learned to go with the wave so much that, when I accidentally booked a flight from Thailand to London a month early, I decided to go with it.
“You’ve watched my descent. Now watch my rising.”- Rumi