Mia was an awesome little lady I had met when looking for a rideshare to get to Burning Man in 2018. She was a kick-ass Asian American about my age (though of course she thought I was younger at first) who, of the group of ladies we went with,I knew I wanted to be friends da with.
Organizing the whole thing, she would also drive and be out doing the physical things with the gigantic RV that I was used to either a man or myself doing. Hurray for breaking gender rolls!
Doing burner things, our own thing and her introduconge to the Hash House Harriers, we had been friends ever since.

It was finally time to go to Sint Maarten, baby!
Sister was turning 40 and, after finding the tiny half Dutch half French Caribbean island on a cruise, it had been one of her favorite places. Excited to finally be on the go again, I was also nervous about doing the all-inclusive resort thing given that it was pretty much the opposite of my style. Still, I was happy to do it for her and tried to focus on the potential of it being a way to take it easy and get some rest for once. Something that didn’t happen, of course, bit it was worth a try.
What had been more than a small challenge leading up to the trip on the $25k a year I was netting was the $1k room cost for the six nights we would be there along with the $1k in additional expenses. I had damn near killed myself during the two or three weeks before by working 80+ hours to cover it and even had that first grand-mal seizure of three years talked about in the last post. I had wondered if it was a fluke the first time but having one again put me in a position of trying to process the upsetting reality of having epilepsy and what that meant to my future.
Working so much in Nor Cal while also plugging away on getting my TEFL teaching certification had me all turned around with trying to keep track of anything else. That included thinking that I was on different flights from my family when in fact we were all on the same both to and from. Well, all minus our brother and niece/his daughter who didn’t come. Not flying solo as I had initially though was bitter-sweet as I could have used some alone time to decompress and process. At the same time, I was happy start to the adventure together.
Finally getting there after half a day’s travel, Sonesta Maho Beach Resort was just OK by my tastes. Lots of sparse white walls with big open spaces and there was only one elevator working among the construction still understandably going on in recovery from the hurricane. Luckily nothing too bad considering. Especially given that we got the rooms at half price because of it. Always the little things, what did bother me was that the booze in my room wasn’t stocked. Regardless of the discount, I didn’t pay that much to be shafted on “all inclusive” treats and it was my vacation too, dammit. Especially if I was going to be stuck in a place full of young middle-class mostly American families and the elderly. Not exactly a crowd I related to.
That afternoon being the first time hanging at the large peanut-shaped pool (which had one of the palapa-covered pool bars I loved so much), we grabbed a drink with Dad and I splashed around with Sienna as she climbed all over me. Loving seeing Dad actually have an adult beverage and Sienna letting go to play with me, it would end up being one of my favorite family moments of the trip. Later but not late enough for anything to be poppin, Big Red and I headed out to a hookah bar called Beirut sxm that was set up like an(atthe time) empty dark disco on the strip next to the resort. It was OK but I didn’t like that she let an arrogant bartender from our resort of whom she had befriend partake in the hookah she paid for. I didn’t like his cocky energy and wasn’t hiding it. A few drinks in, I eventually started calling him a fuckboy. Not my proudest moment.
Like other friends of mine, I loved how generous she was but throwing money around forever reminded me of the gluttony and shadiness of the subprime mortgage industry. I hated it.
After that, and as was to become the norm, she went back to the resort and I stayed to hang with the locals. Quite the introduction, that first night turned into my meeting a cute guy who had a puppy I wanted to pet when trying to blow off a different guy. The one with the pup just so happened to be the son of the chief of police and the only (rated PG 13) romantic interlude of the trip. Being what must have been in his mid twenties, way too young comparatively, he was a pup himself and I pretty much a cougar. On our impromptu date of the night, we walked the puppy around (he was also a dog trainer) as he told me about the area and then we dramatically argued with the resort staff saying that he was who I was there to visit and so should be allowed in. Asshole move on my part as they could get their pay docked if caught.
After waking my parents up to steal their booze in the middle of the night (whoopsie) for a last drink while hanging a wee bit longer, I sent him packing before things got too hot and heavy. Going to bed for the few short hours of sleep I’d get before Wendy woke me up bright and early, it was a somewhat alarming rise-and-shine as I was covered with all kinds of mystery bruises. I didn’t know it then but that was to become a serious autoimmune disorder that was going to get worse over the next few months. A lot worse.
Best part about the resort and it’s three restaurants: best jerk chicken ever! We ate it almost every day. It was also fun to spend time at the beach with Sienna who was was once again crawling all over me in the ocean, both of us cracking up as my sunglasses were lost to the ocean while she turned into a sea-monkey smothering me. Later we set off for the day with a laid back local taxi driver, Walter, of whom we had hired independently. One of the things I had been adamant to my sister that we do and we all ended up being super happy about.

One of the first stops was to feed wild iguanas lettuce. Something pretty cool and fun in it’s own right but especially watching Mom enjoy it and Sienna freak out. Driving along the coast as we headed to the French side of the island (we were staying on the Dutch side), it was a mental trip to see so many boats on their sides from the hurricane, many of them looking like multi-million dollar yachts that had never been used. I was snapped out of it when our guide informed us that it was Carnival. Forever in FOMO mode, I was all over checking out what was going on with the list he gave me as I giggled to myself with the thoughts I always had of how much our family reminded me of National Lampoon’s Family Vacation. The classic National Lampoon with Chevy Chase, not the newer one. Remember, I was 41.
Stopping to shop on our day’s sightseeing trip of the island, Wendy was ecstatic to find a wooden sword. She had gotten one taken away from on her first visit to the island when goofing off too much with it. Something she continued when accidentally hitting me in the head with the new one.
The French side was definitely, at least the part we saw, more run down and less touristy. Walter told us it was due to being less focused on tourism and it’s inhabitants living off the French version of welfare. The ability to earn on the island was almost at the same income level as what they got from that so it didn’t make sense to work. I got where the concept was coming from but my workaholic-ass couldn’t relate. It just seemed depressing.
Stopping to get French pastries for later, we made our way to a cute and quaint French restaurant Wendy had found with light pink walls, flowers, candles and a live lobster pool that we watched be filled with the crustaceans that had just been caught in the ocean that day. Opposite to what is often expected from the French culture, I was surprised and charmed by how friendly and charismatic the staff was. It was over all an enchanting culinary experience.
Sleep deprived and hungover being the theme of the trip, it was a lovely day but I was happy for the chance to end it with a wee bit of recovery and more quality time with Sienna back in our rooms while Wendy and Dad went to the casino across the street. Causing multiple people to wonder what the heck was on my legs over the next couple days, that included letting her use the henna from India on me that I had given her. Regretting not having spent the night in her and Wendy’s room as Sienna requested, night two was the second in a row of not sleeping much. That time, though, was due to insomnia, not partying. C’est la vie.
The next day, May 4th, was Big Red’s actual birthday. Heading to the pool and beach, she managed to find thw 40s club of the resort. In other words, we made friends with a couple and two ladies who were also there for 40th birthday celebrations. I, of course, eventually had a tray full of colorful drinks with little alcohol and a lot of sugar brought out to the waterfront for the grand finale of our hang. From there, sis and I headed back to our rooms to get dolled up for the dinner she had reserved at one of the resort’s nicer restaurants. A dinner of lovely family time that was temporarily interrupted with a hiccup when a man was being abusive to his wife at a table nearby. Both Wendy and I told staff and I shot him eye-daggers when he looked over but other than that it didn’t affect the dinner too much. Actually, I was proud of sis and I for being lionesses who weren’t about to let someone be abused without a little protection.
Among other things, Sint Marteen is known for Maho Beach. More specifically, a small strip of land where people can stand on the sand while being blasted by planes taking off from the island’s airport runway. While too tired to do it myself, we did manage to watch a little boy do it while dining at the neighboring Sunset Bar and Grill. An awesome restaurant next door that we all loved enough to visit twice. Foodie note if you ever make your way there: it had the best coconut shrimp I’ve even had.
That night was the major “fun” event for me. Carnival’s Wet Fete! I had found it on the list from our tour a couple days before and, while Big Red and I had been too tired to go to the party of Carnival the night before, I was determined to make it to this one. I mean come on. Water and soca music with almost all locals? So much so that we only saw two other white people and they weren’t even American. I couldn’t miss it! Good thing I didn’t given that it was the total highlight of doing something more my style.
Set up on a big asphalt area half an hour from the resort, of course I happened to be one of the first people sprayed with a big hose when picking up Wendy’s shoe to put back on her Prince Charming style.
Prior to coming in, she had talked Walter into coming in instead of waiting in the car, telling him she would pay him to hang and be our bodyguard. Something that was about to cause a big fight between the two of us back at Sunset Bar the next day with the after I had ended up being the one to pay him after she passed out. Back to Wet Fete, sis also made friends with a woman from the islands of whose drawn on eyebrows I couldn’t stop staring at.

Dancing away while Big Red continued to lead us to the bar to keep the drinks flowing (her generously paying once again), we were all free flowing and having a blast until sis had one too many and started getting a wee bit too feisty. Amusingly liking to tell dudes I was a player when she was loaded and that particular time acting like I was lame for not letting her drink anymore (too much booze made her feisty and made me cry), I decided it was time to leave somewhat early before we were both too much of a hot mess and would have regrets. My little sis had to enjoy her epic 40th, dammit!
After putting Wendy to bed, Walter continued on with me to go out on the strip by the resort after and we immediately ran into our 40s group friends at the fun outside bar next door called Tres Amigos. Cool but would have been better if Wendow was there. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for him to try to kiss me (go home to your wife, dude) and I sent him packing. Then I sat on the strip chatting until shortly after sunrise with another guy who had come back on foot to say hello after driving by with a fancy car. Dr. Philing him (AKA: I think I’m a therapist after I’ve had a few), the guy seemed to think we were in a relationship until weeks after I was back in the states. There I went again. *Rolling eyes at myself.*
Sis showed up to my room still buzzed a couple hours after I had gone to sleep claiming that she was waking me up to make sure I was OK. I believed that she was really just excited to get the day started and still loopy from the night before. From there, she took me pointless wandering so much that we never got to eat before leaving for a snorkeling excursion. Not a good combo with a lack of sleep, booze the day before and a boat. She had been excited and inadvertently not letting me sleep the whole trip. Something that wouldn’t fare well by the end. Still, the snorkeling trip was fun and the guides were cute (well, one of them) and playful. We got to see the wrecked ships even closer, sad and surreal, and check out the tropical fish of that Caribbean island. Cool but somewhat sparse and not overly-impressive compared to other places I had been. I had spoiled myself!
Feeling shitty and way too tired by the time we got back, I went to lay down for little more than an hour before Mom called my room to say that the family was waiting in the lobby for me to go back to the restaurant by the airport. No one had given me any notice and it felt like I was an afterthought. Let’s just say it didn’t help my mood. Grouchy and especially not happy with Wendy, I finally lost it when she tried to say she paid Walter, not me, because of how much she spent. Then we went into full sister-syndroming when she said that I always freaked about money, which she hates. As a reminder, I was netting $25k a year and had just spent a couple grand (as well as a seizure) on the trip. Also that I hadn’t felt comfortable and didn’t want Walter (who was lucky his wife was still with him after impregnating another woman) to go. And then I had ended up being the one to pay him $100 as she hadn’t been in the state to do so by the time we got back. As was all too common, she took no responsibility for her own actions and I was hostile as hell about it. Yeah, we were both sister-syndroming each other like crazy. I was usually the crazy, wild and irresponsible one but she had her moments too and I had hit my limit. Even if it was her 40th. I did take responsibility for not handling it well though, at least to myself. I would spend a long time sadly regretting that one. Maybe forever.
The next day was our last. That trip being no exception, I had a habit of getting burnt out and bummed at the end of being somewhere. Travel, Burning Man, between my homes of Southern and Northern California, you name it. Riding the coat tails of the night before, breakfast and hanging by the pool the next morning with the rest of the family tolerating my shitty energy, we made our way home and me to finally get the rest I had thought I would get there. Yeah, I needed to work on my grand finale skills. Nobody’s perfect.
Happy 40th, sister. Even with the lows, it was one hell of a high. I love you.

With the plethora of holiday parties over, I finally got a chance to chill out at home in San Diego. Something that included details like binging on a podcast called My Favorite Murder that I found out about when dropping some women off at a live recording of it. It kept me sane driving so many long hours even though one of the two women hosts (yay for ladies!) drove me bananas by sounding dumb as dirt and the other, while I liked her in private recordings, sounds fake as fuck during public ones. It would eventually be why I stopped listening but hey, it was great while it lasted and I probably couldn’t have come close to their over all magic. The simplified psychology of the murders and humor mixed in was indeed a great formula and their ratings showed it.
It was great to get back to my roots in Ocean Beach. A local dive bar called The Tilted Stick had a delicious $10 burger and a beer deal that I loved to take advantage of while doing laundry next door. While still only on my “to do” list, driving by donation-based yoga on the beautiful Sunset Cliffs further down the main street was also awesome. So was writing on the back patio of a restaurant called Breakfast Republic. It reminded me of a couple cafes I had gone to in India with Alexandra which made it even extra special.
Hangin at the beach meditating with my mala beads and reading Playa Dust for my third time was something I had been dreaming of and was finally back to doing. Juliette was forever pulling me over to another of our fun local dives called Lucy’s and unfortunately sometimes also pulled me into hangin with her soon to be loser boyfriend. Sweet dude but had too many problems to count and would later try to hook up with me while also trying to spin it to make it sound like I was coming onto him AND his friend. Knowing I would never do that, she saw right through it (helped that I had his attempt in writing) and I did my best to hold back on bitching about lowlifes. Made me extra thankful for my type being slightly nerdy sweethearts that have their shit together. I mean, one of us better, right?
Back to the love, visiting Jewels and snuggling on Sugs made me happy when I got a chance to do it. She was always a ray of sunshine even though really upset about something that happened involving her friend on that particular time back and I was happy to be able to dog-sit. Yup. My life was thankfully still where I had left it.
Still in my bubble though in a neighboring art district called Liberty Station, a swanky movie theatre called The Lot offered discounts for members on Wednesdays so I took my pop and then to a burger place called Sladers 50/50. It was a great daddy daughter day. Something we would soon do again but farther away when I took him a couple weeks later to a casino called Barona for a $45 lobster Wednesday buffet and a few hours of gambling. The half an hour to pick him up, popping into the Satterwhite Sanctuary (hurray to be able to love on the four pups) and another half an hour to the casino was a somewhat painful trek but I was happy to be spending time with him. Not knowing how much longer we would have him given his health was always haunting. Especially with the idea of going overseas for more than a year.
Gig work was still a hustle, especially catching a cold for a week and a stupid BS delivery company I was thinking of starting with threatening me when telling me I had to return their equipment since I didn’t sign up for a shift fast enough. Unregulated gig work was such crap and the class action lawsuits hadn’t begun to roll out against them as they were to a few months later.
Heading out with the roomie for a drink was fun and a good bonding experience before heading back to the Bay. Kicking my time off back there with a fun night at a Star Wars Bar called 7 Stars Bar & Grill with the homies from high school Nick, Ant, Leilani and a couple more, of course Nick started a conga line. Of course.
Dropping my phone in a toilet a few months before = no audio but you get the idea…

India creeping into my subconscious once again, I came upon a spot in a parking lot of the seedy East Side of San Jose littered with garbage in a way that reminded me of my time there followed within a day or two by also being transported back to Thailand when getting a cheap massage at a spot called Life Reflexology. Little reminders that I may be taking a breather at home but I was happiest when also on the road.
I loved spending time with my little Felton family of Brigit, Aaron and sometimes Melissa. Just like home in SD, I was forever humbled to be able to call such a magical place my second home. During local hikes in Henry Cowell Mountain State Park, I would watch deer feed in fields, people ride horses, dogs walking with their human family and got to say hi to my horsie friends at the neighbor’s cute and quaint corner house. Lady’s night with Brigit and Melissa at Henflings was super fun and felt extra great to have cheaper prices even though only being half an hour from the Bay. Something I was painfully reminded of at lunch a couple of days later when a Korean place double-charged me for a lunch by serving it hot instead of cold without telling me first that there was a price difference. It was extremely rare for me but I was definitely not leaving a tip there. $20 lunch my ass!
Catching up for my few short weeks in Nor Cal, Svet and I screwed around trying stuff on for the Money to Burn party Brigit and Aaron were going to throw to celebrate his being done paying alimony (Brigit always threw great parties) and then it was back to driving Lyft all over the place up there with SF, the mountains and Santa Cruz being my favorites. Already time to drive back to Southern California, I visited Grandma for a couple nights also driving for Lyft in LA (no bueno) and even managed to meet up with my burner buddies Angelique, Sid and Ash. Back and forth, back and forth…there was always plenty of good times and adventure even in my quieter moments. My personality may not have allowed for a life that had much of it but it was at least more than average at that time. I was soaking it up.

Deciding to stay home in California until after Burning Man 2019 by no means meant that the adventure was about to slow down. December exemplified that as it gave me plenty of opportunity to do what I loved to do best. Celebrate!
Santacon, a pub crawl started in San Francisco in 1994 in which everyone dresses as Santas (with a few relating exceptions) has evolved into a tradition that different cities around the world have continued on. Brigit was heading the charge for Felton and I wanted to stick around for it. My buddy from Spanky’s, Blackbird, even came down from SF to join and we had a blast. Adding additional entertainment, a server from a local restaurant, Creamer House, (where Brigit and I frequented for tuna melts) was one of the twenty or so who joined in and not only managed to leave with a crush on me but also with the big, furry cape my momma had made to keep me warm when I had been working in matchmaking in San Francisco. Long story short, even though I wasn’t all that interested, he still managed to give me a guilt trip about leaving to go home to San Diego and pissed me off by not getting the cape back to me for months.
After Santacon but before I headed back to SD, I got my hair did for the first time since Layla died in 2015. Something that may seem as boring and mundane as getting a pedi at first mention but, as had happened with many before, it had taken on some sort of right of passage. Even though I was disappointed with the result, probably my fault for not communicating clearly, I was happy I did it. To me it symbolized making an effort to take care of myself in the ways getting my bohemian lifestyle off the ground had been beating me up. A graduation to the next level of sorts. It’s funny how little random things so often end up being what marks moments of growth and change in our lives.
Heading home to San Diego within a couple days thereafter, I staycationed for an event another friend put on called Naughty or Nice. It was a weekend where a social group I had joined years before stayed at a local resort and did all kinds of local activities with the main attraction being a Christmas-themed pub crawl (not a Santacon though) in one of our local beach towns. So, so many pub crawls…
Svetlana had flown out and I met a cool guy from Denver who became my event boyfriend. For any of you burners, travelers or festies out there, you probably know what that’s like. It was great to catch up with old acquaintances and friends. Svet and I had a room right by the event’s main suite, making it even more fun. One of the nights of the event was also Sea World’s annual Christmas pub crawl where trainers, new and old, reunited for some fun. I had been around a lot when Nik was a trainer so it was always fun to join even if it meant that I was jumping between both of the events on one of the nights. It was good times to be sure but I was definitely ready to take a break from partying by the time it was done. For a few days at least.
Speaking of Nik, while I was always happy to be back in general, hanging with her and Kate was what what always made it most feel like home. I even managed to dive right back in with their kids when giving myself a black eye throwing Kate’s youngest, Audrey, up in the air in just a way that landed her chin right onto my eye socket.
Christmas celebrations still pouring out everywhere I turned with more party plans that hadn’t quite being fulfilled, Wendy and I thought it would be funny to utilize that shiner at champagne brunch in PB for a photo opp before getting drunkenly stuck in neighborhood Christmas parade and block party. The high of the day, something I still proudly chuckle at, being when we successfully crashed a random work Christmas party at The Grass Skirt tiki bar and successfuly pretended to be employees. The low of the day later being when I grabbed a dude’s cock while telling him to do the dishes at Nikki and Brent’s Christmas party. To be fair, Nik had only told me about the party a few days before so I hadn’t had time to rearrange boozy brunch. I stood no chance. Thankfully the dude and his wife were super fun, cool and also rowdy, though it still wasn’t exactly fun apologizing to her a couple days later. God. I still get embarrassed thinking about that one.
JerseyJ’s Christmas party was the last of the holiday tornado. It was fun with her awesome Italian cooking and big warm and vibrant personality that fit especially great with the holiday but it was also awkward thanks to her roomie being pretty much done with her after all the drama she had put her through with her then recent ex. Also because the rebound she had there at their party was an obvious loser, no doubt added fuel to the fire. It also caused Jersey J’s other friends there to “WTF are you doing” and her to get really upset about it. Beyond those who cared about her just being concerned, she never seemed to acknowledge how the people she put in their lives affected them. I was far enough removed at the time to find it interesting to compare behavior patterns and reflect on my own. In the end, even though I didn’t agree with her, I had her back. I didn’t want her to feel alone and she was the only one responsible for making the decisions of her life. Especially when she was spinning in all kinds of different directions from her breakup. I’d end up regretting it but you’ll have to wait to find out about that…
At some point over the month, Wendy set up family pictures at a stupid department store (so 1995) in which I looked horrible. Something that made sense when I got hives an hour later. Probably because I hate those cheesy pictures and thought it was especially lame given that we lived in a beautiful place full of great photographers. Well, just maybe it was also because I had been to about five million boozy Christmas celebrations. Over all, she wanted to make sure we had a recent picture because of how sick our dad was. That was pretty rad.
Just like Thanksgiving had been, Christmas day was mostly a bust. Still not comfortable going over to the family’s house, my parents met me for brunch on the OB Pier and that at least ended up being a pretty awesome high given how much they loved it. I then spent the rest of Christmas alone with hives. Again.
Even if it wasn’t to last as long as I wanted, I loved being home for a minute to catch up with my people and little beach town. Alas, NYE was on our toes and I had plans for it that were about to lead me back North. More specifically, a campout with Mia and Los Angeles burners in the LA mountains. Fun but it was too damn freezing! By the time I had found a warm communal tent on the second night, I wouldn’t leave it. Between that and a couple of dudes I managed to smooch out with, I did manage to find my warm and fuzzy for saying goodbye to 2018 after all.